I’m back and my fingers are ready to blog.
So, I’m going to be really vulnerable with you all today and tell you about what God’s doing in my life. Here we go:
Lately, I’ve felt like an awful Christian. I respect who God is and appreciate what he’s done for me, and because of that respect I tithe consistently, read my bible occasionally and praise Him even when it’s hard. As great as that all sounds, my heart hasn’t had passion for Him. I’ve been feeling like I’m going through the motions and faking Christianity.
Along with feeling like a phony-follower, I’ve also been struggling with every issue that haunts me. My eating disorder has been plaguing me, my depression has been keeping me down, my anxiety keeps me frozen in fear, and my self-hatred makes it hard to do anything. Long story short- I’m the epitome of a mess.
But you know what? God is so, so good even when I’m not. He hasn’t stopped speaking to me, loving me, forgiving me and going before me. He even told me my purpose.
Yes! With that still small voice, he told me, “You’re meant for women’s ministry”. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. “Duh”, I thought to myself, “why didn’t I think of that?”
Within the past few weeks, around 20 women in total have reached out to me for advice, to vent, and for friendship when they just needed someone. And of course, I was happy to help.
One of my life goals is to be the friend I’ve always needed.
Last night, as I sobbed, contemplated suicide and thought about all the ways that I’m worthless, repulsive, and awful, I wished I had someone I could come to without fear of judgement or being a bother. But I didn’t have the courage to reach out, so I took a 14 hour nap. “I can’t kill myself if I’m asleep,” I thought.
I don’t ever want anyone to feel the way I feel. I want to be that friend to others because I know what that pain feels like. And to these 20 women, I got to be.
The Lord also told me, “Everything I’ve brought you through has been so that you can help others- specifically women”. ZANG GUYS- GOD IS GOOD.
And now that I know my purpose… now what?
All I know to do is run after God with everything I’ve got and try to serve him in the ways He’s calling me. With the bible as my rule book and God as my guide, I’ll do the best I can.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Seek God, forgive yourself, trust in His plans, and believe that you have a purpose. Keep fighting your demons, love His people, and love yourself- We serve a wonderful God
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